Jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes, Riddles, etc.' started by Freethinker, May 28, 2017.

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  1. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

  2. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

    Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

    Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
     
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  3. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization.

    The Greek: We built the Acropolis!

    The Italian: We built the colloseum!

    The Greek: We gave the world advanced math!

    The Italian: We made the Roman Empire!

    The Greek: We discovered sex!

    The Italian: And we introduced it to women!
     
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  4. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    Q: Why do rednecks like having sex doggie style?

    A: That way they can both watch wrestling.
     
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  5. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath, and one of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

    The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

    After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
     
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  6. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    Q: Have you tried Starbucks new hot beverage, Viagraccino?

    A: One cup and you're up all night.
     
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  7. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?"

    Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!"

    The teacher congratulated her. A little later, the teacher noticed she had nodded off again, and asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?"

    Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!"

    The teacher congratulated her again. Later on, as Josey fell asleep again, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"

    Joe poked Josey again and she jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
     
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  8. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

    copffee.jpg

    YES! YES!! Bring me more coffee!
     
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  9. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  10. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  11. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

  12. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  13. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  14. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

    3605-slept-with-a-brazilian-funny-birthday-greeting-card-hotson-kirsty.jpg

    Who said blondes can't make a joke on themselves?
     
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  15. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  16. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

    jokesfl.gif

    For all those 'blessed' with a low of 59 degrees! You know who you are!
     
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