Jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes, Riddles, etc.' started by Freethinker, May 28, 2017.

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  1. PABLO DIABLO

    PABLO DIABLO Active Member

    A guy is walking by the local whorehouse. He sees a couple fucking under a tree, another couple copulating on the driveway, and two more couples behind some hedge bushes.
    He goes to the front door and knocks.
    The madam opens the door and says, "Yes, may I help you?"
    He replies, "yes, what's with all the sex going on outside your house?"
    "Oh that, we're having a yard sale!"
     
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  2. PABLO DIABLO

    PABLO DIABLO Active Member

    A guy sitting at the local pub having a beer when a beautiful woman walks up and sits on the stool next to him.
    After she has a glass of wine, she leans in and says, "For $50 I'll blow you, for a $100 I'll fuck you, and for $200 I'll do anything you want."
    The guy finishes his beer and stands up. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out two $100 bills and tosses them on the bar top in front of her.
    He says, "Here's $200. Now go paint my house."
     
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  3. Clover Ernest

    Clover Ernest Master Of Mayhem

    How are alcoholism and necrophilia similar?
    The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
     
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  4. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    The psych professor asks one of his female students, "If I offered you a million dollars, would you have sex with me?"

    Without hesitating, she replied, "Well, yeah, I could really have a nice life with that kind of money."

    "Okay, " he says, "Would you have sex with me for twenty dollars?"

    "Hell, no!" she replies indignantly. "What do you think I am, some kind of whore?"

    "We've already established that," he replies, "Now we're just trying to agree on a price."
     
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  5. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    One for @Little Miss K :

    Three bulls are standing out in the pasture one day when the oldest of the three mentions a conversation he overheard between the ranch owner and his foreman. "He said he was a'gonna get him a new bull for breedin', to bring in some fresh blood to his herd." The three bulls looked out over the herd of cows clustered by the watering hole, shaking their heads and muttering about this new development.

    "It ain't a very big herd to start with," the oldest complained. "There ain't but fifty cows, and thirty of them are mine. I been here ten years to get them, and I ain't a'givin' none of them up to no newcomer, nosir, he ain't a'gonna be very welcome at all."

    "Naw, he ain't gonna be welcome," the second oldest bull replied. "It's took me five years to get the fifteen cows I have, and I fer dang sure ain't giving none of them up." I

    The third bull, the youngster of the group, snorted and said, "Hell, I only been here a year and they ain't but five cows that even like me, and I sure ain't about to give none of them up."

    A while later, a truck pulled up hauling a livestock trailer, and the three bulls watched as it backed up to the holding pen between the pasture and the barn. They trotted over and watched through the wooden fence as the trainer opened up. There was a loud snort and a roar, then a massive Brahma bull charged out of the trailer into the pen. It must have weighed over a ton, a magnificent specimen, with a huge hump. It pawed the ground and snorted, throwing dirt into the air. It spotted the other three bulls, and slowly approached the fence, as they cautiously backed off. Instead of looking through the fence, as they had done, he stood flat footed and looked over the fence at them, he was that big.

    "You know, I might have been a bit hasty and, uh, selfish earlier," the oldest of the three bulls said. "I 'spect I might could share with this new feller and let him have, say, half my cows..."

    The second oldest bull swallered a lump in his throat and said, "Yeah, you know, we really oughta make him feel welcome, so I reckon I could give up eight or nine of my cows...

    The youngest bull all of a sudden began snorting loudly, pawing and throwing dirt, charging a few steps toward the pen before backing off and pawing the dirt some more.

    " Man, what the hell are you doing, acting crazy like that? He's more than twice your size," the oldest bull asked.

    "Yeah, that bull will kill you stone cold dead!" the second oldest bull chimed in.

    The youngest bull looked at them and said, "I just wanna be sure that sumbitch knows I'm a bull!"
     
  6. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

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    HUMMM! Maybe using that 'free WiFi at Starbucks isn't such a good idea?
     
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  7. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    Teacher: Bobby, make up a sentence using the words defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

    Bobby: De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.
     
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  8. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  9. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  10. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  11. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

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    UH - you did turn off the power, right?
     
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  12. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

    av8P5GW_460s.jpg

    YUMMY! Only 3,400 calories per piece!
     
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  13. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  14. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

    post.gif

    Guess that applies to some folks here......
     
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  15. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

  16. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

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    Serves him right! Hey - that's a win-win!
     
  17. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM Tom's Blonde Soulmate

    aYJ0olxK_700wa_0.gif

    You tell 'em, Bambi!
     
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  18. Uncle B

    Uncle B Well-Known Member

    A teacher asks the question.

    "If there are three doves on a branch, and a hunter shoots one of them, how many are left?"

    Dirty Johnny raises his hand and says "None."

    The teacher asks why.

    "Because the sound of the shot scared the others away."

    "Well Johnny, that is a good guess, but the answer is two. Though I do like the way that you think."

    After lunch, Dirty Johnny approached the teacher with his own query.

    "There are three women sitting in the park. One is eating an ice cream sandwich, one is having a sundae, and one is sucking on an ice ream cone. Which one is single?"

    The teacher knows she shouldn't answer, but feeling risqué, she does so anyway.

    "Well Johnny, I guess it is the woman who is licking the ice cream cone."

    Johnny smiles at her.

    "That is a good guess, but the answer is the one without the wedding ring."

    Then he smiled and gave her a wink.

    "Though I like the way you think!"
     
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  19. Uncle B

    Uncle B Well-Known Member

    A young preacher shows up for church one Sunday morning, and he is in a fit of righteous indignation. When the deacon asks him what is wrong, the preacher goes on to explain how he woke up for church to find his bicycle stolen.

    "I had to walk all five miles on foot!"

    The deacon devised a plan.

    "You should give your sermon on the 10 commandments. When you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, you really lay it on hard. If the person who stole your bicycle hears this, then they will surely feel remorse, and give it back."

    The preacher gave an inspired sermon,and the whole congregation was moved. However, after the service, the deacon approached the young pastor.

    "Reverend, that was a great lesson, but I thought you might have given it a little more passion when you got to theft."

    The preacher looked uncomfortable, then whispered to the deacon.

    "I surely would have, but when I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle."
     
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  20. Uncle B

    Uncle B Well-Known Member

    What is the difference between a midget con artist, and a woman who has gonorrhea?

    One is a cunning runt.
     
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