Jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes, Riddles, etc.' started by Freethinker, May 28, 2017.

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  1. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    Jokes, any jokes...

    Back in the '70's and '80's, there was a chain of department stores in the Pittsburgh, PA area called Cox's.

    Back then, a hard working steel mill junior executive noticed one day that his only business suit was beginning to show it's wear. Being a newlywed on a tight budget, and a frugal spender in any event, he called his new blonde bride at home to have her buy him a new suit off the rack. "Go down to Cox's," he told her, "and pick me up a new seersucker suit to wear to work tomorrow." He gave her the measurements, and she assured him she would get it right away and it would be waiting for him when he got home.

    The next morning, arriving for work, the hardened steel workers took one look at his new hot pink suit and burst out laughing, subjecting him to wolf whistles, catcalls, and obscene comments. He rushed into his office to hide, and one of his coworkers, giggling, asked what had happened.

    "The seat of my trousers was wearing thin," he explained, "So I called my wife to go to Cox's and get me a new seersucker suit." He shook his head, fuming. "The silly blonde misunderstood and went to Sears..."
     
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  2. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    A young couple, just married, set off on their honeymoon, driving across Pennsylvania, but their car broke down in Amish country late in the evening. Fortunately, an Amish gentleman happened along the road in a horse drawn buggy and offered to let them spend the night at his farm, since there weren't any telephones around to call for help. The only catch was they would have to sleep in his barn loft, but it was clean and he had an old brass bed up there in storage, so they readily agreed. They grabbed a few 'essentials' from the car and climbed into the buggy.

    At the farm, while unhitching his horse and putting it away, the farmer offered to have them eat dinner with him and his family. The young man looked into his bride's eyes, eager to get her alone, and politely declined. The farmer thought surely they must be hungry, but the anxious groom reassured him they were fine. "No sir, we're going to live on love," he told him.

    The starry eyed bride agreed, just as eager for her wedding night. "Yes, it's all we need, we'll live on love..."

    The farmer wished them a good night and headed up to his waiting family in the farmhouse, and the young couple scrambled up the ladder to the loft. There they got naked a jumped into bed, taking just enough time to grab a condom from the large box in their overnight bag before they commenced.

    With the stamina of the young, they made love several times that night. Unsure what else to do with the used condoms, the young man simply tossed them out the window into the barnyard below each time, then applied a fresh one for the next round.

    The next morning, at sunrise, they were awakened from their brief sleep, exhausted, by the farmer calling up from below, asking if the couple would join him and his family for breakfast.

    Tired and groggy, the young man called back down, "No sir, we're fine, we're going to live on love."

    The farmer scratched his head and called back up, "Okay then, suit yourself, but whatever you're living on, please stop throwing those sausage skins in the yard, they're choking my chickens."
     
  3. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick, Tonto, are wandering around Texas, catching outlaws, coming to the aid of homesteaders and so on. One morning they wake up to find their camp surrounded by a thousand screaming Comanche warriors, on the warpath and out for blood. Seeing the situation looks bleak, the Lone Ranger tells his Tonto, "It looks like we're in a bad spot, old friend."

    Tonto looks back at him and asks, "Whaddaya mean we, white man?"
     
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  4. Little Miss K

    Little Miss K Naughty but Nice 3-Time CAW Winner CAW SS Winner

    An old cowboy hitches his horse up outside the general store. After dismounting, he walks to the rear of the horse, lifts it's tail, and kisses dead center on the creatures anus.

    A city man looks on in horror, and asks, "What in the world did you do that for?"

    "Well," the cowboy drawls, "My lips are really chapped."

    Amazed, the city man continues. "Is there something in a horses butt that cures chapped lips?"

    "I don't know about all that," the cowpuncher tells him. "But it sure keeps me from licking them!"
     
  5. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    There we were, on some God-forsaken atoll in the Pacific, and we could hear the Japanese screaming and yelling, psyching themselves up for a banzai charge. We were down to just a few of us left, almost out of ammo, our bayonets fixed as we awaited the inevitable. At least, we swore, we would go down fighting.

    Then here they came, swarming out of the jungle at us, and the bloodbath commenced, just three against a thousand. What little ammunition either side had left was soon gone, and we stabbed with our bayonets, clubbed with our rifle butts, in fierce hand to hand combat. Soon bodies were piled up around us, dead and dying, but the odds were now down to two against six hundred. Weary, blood spattered, we fought on, refusing to surrender, knowing the Japanese would take no prisoners anyway. Then another fell, leaving the odds at a hundred to one. Still the battle raged on, a valiant last stand, as the bodies continued to fall...fifty to one...twenty to one...ten to one.

    Then there were just two of us, barely able to go on, neither willing to give up. The Japanese officer came at me with his samurai sword held high, but he tripped over a severed arm and fell, and I plunged my bayonet into his chest. Exhausted, I watched him breathe his last breath, then looked around at the mass of bodies covering the battle ground.

    Damn, I thought, those were the toughest three Japanese I ever saw...
     
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  6. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work. Her 8 year old son comes in from playing early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

    Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home early. She tells her lover to hide in the closet, not realizing that her son is in there already.

    The boy says, "It's dark in here."

    The man, startled, says, "Yes, it is."

    The boy says, "I have a baseball."

    "That's nice," the man replies.

    "Want to buy it?" The boy asks.

    The man replies, "No, thanks."

    "My dad's outside," the boy says.

    The man asks, "OK, how much?"

    The boy replies, "$250"

    A week later, it happens again, and again the boy and his mother's lover are in the closet together.

    The boy says, "It's dark in here."

    "Yes, it is," the man replies.

    The boy says, "I have a baseball glove."

    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

    The boy replies, "$750"

    The man says, "Fine," and pays him again.

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove, let's go have a game of catch."

    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

    The boy answers, "$1,000"

    The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that's a lot more than they cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

    So they go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, "It's dark in here."

    The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
     
  7. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    It's Christmas Eve, and Fred, depressed because he's lost his job, his wife left him, and he can't afford presents for his kids, climbs the bridge railing, ready to end it all by jumping into the icy river below. He hears a noise behind him, and turns to see a jolly old man with a white beard in a white trimmed red suit. "Who are you?" he asks.

    "Why, I'm Santa Claus," the man replies. "What are you doing?"

    "I'm going to jump off and end it all," Fred replies. "I've lost my job, my wife has left me, and I don't have any money to buy presents for my kids."

    "Now hold on," Santa says. "You can't do something like that on Christmas Eve. I'll tell you what, since tomorrow is Christmas, I can grant you three wishes...You go home and go to bed, and when you wake up, you'll have your job back, your wife will be back at your side, and your kids will have plenty of presents under the tree."

    Fred's face lit up and he climbed down off the railing. "Why, thank you Santa - you've saved my life! How could I ever repay you?"

    "Well, there is one thing," Santa replied. "See, I'm actually gay, and I'd really like a good piece of ass, and my elves, well, they're not really very satisfactory..."

    Fred considered it a moment. "I don't know..." he began.

    "It's such a small favor to ask," Santa said. "After all, I did save your life, give you your job and wife back, not to mention presents for the kids..."

    Fred agrees, and drops his trousers and bends over the railing. Santa unfastens the front of his pants and gives Fred a good ass-fucking, then as he zips up his fly, he asks Fred, "How old are you?"

    "Forty three," Fred answers, pulling up his pants.

    "Forty three?" Santa asks, "And you still believe in Santa Claus?"
     
  8. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    Little Jimmy is out in the shed in his backyard with Mary, a slightly older girl who is teaching him about sex for the first time. She takes her top off, and Jimmy is feeling her little breasts and kissing them a bit, when his mom comes to the back door of the house and calls for him to come in for supper.

    Not really hungry, and his mind on something else, Jimmy ignores her and continues playing with Mary's titties. A few minutes later, Mary hikes up her skirt and slips her panties down, and Jimmy gets his first glimpse of pussy. As Mary guides his hand down so he can feel it and play a little stink finger with it, his mom calls again for him to come to supper. Again he ignores her.

    Mary pulls Jimmy's face down so he can inspect her little cunny close up, and soon has him licking and kissing her there. Once again, exasperated, Jimmy's mom yells out the back door for him to come to supper: "Jimmy, get in here, and lickety-split!"

    Jimmy raises his head and yells back from the shed, "Lickety your own damn split, I'm busy!"
     
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  9. Little_Lexa

    Little_Lexa Guest

    There were three women getting pre-natal checkups. A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

    The doctor asked the brunette, "What position were you in when the baby was conceived?"

    "I was on the bottom. ", she replied.

    "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

    The redhead was asked the same question.

    "I was on top ", was the reply.

    "You will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

    With this, the blonde burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.

    "I'm gonna have puppies!”
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2017
  10. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    Right after Bill and Edna got married, Bill found a job working at the pickle factory. He worked his way up, becoming a line foreman, then a shift supervisor, then a manager, in just a few years. He was such an excellent worker, he was awarded Employee of the Year several years in a row, and he and Edna were able to live pretty well, buying a house, having three kids and two cars.

    Then one day Bill came home and told Edna he had been fired. "What happened?" she asked, "You were Employee of the Year the last six years, how could they fire you so suddenly?"

    "Well," he explained, "Ever since the first day I worked there, for some reason, I always wanted to stick my dick in the pickle slicer," he admitted. "So, this morning before the line started up, I did, and they caught me."

    Horrified, Edna asked, "Are you okay? It didn't...?"

    "Oh, no," he reassured her, "I'm fine, in fact it felt really good."

    Puzzled, she asked, "But what about the pickle slicer?"

    He replied, "Oh, they fired her, too."
     
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  11. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.

    "Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

    So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

    "That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

    "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
     
  12. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."

    So they climbed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.

    The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"

    The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"

    So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.

    So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."

    "It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.

    The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."

    "It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop.

    The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2017
  13. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    A blond man and a brunette woman were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital, and she gave birth to two baby boys.

    The blond man turned to his wife and yelled, "All right, who's the other father?"
     
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  14. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

    "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

    She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

    "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

    "Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

    She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new color, new outfit and big sunglasses, and then she waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

    "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

    Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

    "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
     
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  15. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

    The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”
     
  16. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
     
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  17. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
     
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  18. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    Doctor Jones likes to stop at a bar after work and enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, “Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?” And Dick says, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
     
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  19. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

    She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t come over to your place tonight!"

    With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.

    A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

    "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."

    At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
     
  20. Freethinker

    Freethinker Pervy Bear

    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed...

    A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

    The nun replied, "He went that way."

    After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

    The nun said, "I understand completely."

    The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

    The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."