DO OVER ?

Discussion in 'KAW 12' started by Michael McDaniel, Oct 22, 2018.

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    DO OVER?

    The summer before his freshman year at UF our boy was off to California and stayed with his birth mother in LA. His mother worked in Beverly Hills and he rode to work with her to her office on Sunset Dr. and took the bus for the hop to the LA Hall of Records on Sunset. There he worked as a photocopier and "bunny" title searcher for Southern California Title Co. Hawke also got a job painting his mother's boss, Frank’s Malibu house. It was a two-story on stilts on the beach in Malibu, it rose from about twenty-five feet above the dry sand beach under it for two more stories.

    The Goddess of Love is she ever so remarkable! Our boy was a very knowledgeable virgin who had avoided the dangerous act that could create another person by exercising the greatest of painful restraint throughout his High School years. Suddenly everyone was on the "pill". Frank had a friend who lived two doors down in the same little group of eight or nine two-story beach houses having zero lot lines. She was Art Linkletter's longtime personal secretary and took it upon herself to teach this lover of women how to how to be a proper lover of women.

    Frank's flatmate, Harvey, was a friend, and about Frank’s age of forty. His flatmate had somehow inveigled three girls in their early 20’s from Sweden to stay for a month that summer. The girls spoke essentially no English but it was more than our boy's Swedish. Harvey discussed with Frank, in Frank’s office, how Hawke might dip into his personal honey cache. Hawke’s mother volunteered how her son was harmless and still a virgin. Thanks ever so much to Mom the guardians of the gate were disarmed. Hawke was soon to be a sacrifice to the Goddess of Love who lived two houses down on US1. She was a lovely woman who was 24 years older than our boy and so knowledgeable.

    They went to dinner in Frank’s Imperial then home where she initiated this son of Athena first on the sand beneath her home. Hawke then carried her up all the way to her bedroom without breaking a sweat (the power of the young). It was remarkable and this woman of substance had her a Hercules for the night. There was no sleeping before the sun rose and Hawke had to start painting.

    The next weekend he spent all of the hours of darkness partaking of Swedish smorgasbord. These lovely ladies took on the burden of the continuing education of our boy and to keep things from being overly burdensome they considered it a group project. Hawke’s second sexual experience was something most men wish all their lives for without satisfaction. Hawke was too callow to fully appreciate the good fortune he had had in just 8 days, but he was certainly pleased. When he returned home to Florida just before enrolling at UF his mother told his father that he had embarked on a new road. He was amazed and wondered, how do women know these things?

    Hawke then had his first year at University. He was not the conscientious student he had grown up being and scraped along with a 2.5 GPA for that year. He got drunk one night for the first time, in the basement of a fraternity when he drank 32 Budweiser beers in an hour and a half. He had one more assignation and was appalled when it became clear that the girl thought they were engaged after two hours of celebration. When he made it clear that that was the farthest thing from his intention the girl was immediately on a long distance call with her mother and in tears. Hawke left and she was still talking away on the phone with her mother. They never met again. Hawke always remembered after that never to assume in matters sexual.

    Hawke went home for Christmas to Dunedin and stayed with his mother & father. While there he met 3 Swedish nurses about ten years older than he, staying with their Chicago landlord who resided in his dad's mobile home park in Florida for the Winter. The girls were stopping and working as RN nurses then traveling with savings they accumulated to their next stop on a three year trip around the US. They were in Dunedin for the same 2 weeks our boy was home from the University. Hawke took them all on his dates with Gisela but it was Gisela he was head over heels for. They wrote often and Hawke planned to see them when they stopped to live and work in San Diego the coming Summer. Hawke went to work improving his grades and dreaming about a future that would include (maybe) Gisela.

    The next Summer Hawke had planned a trip with his best college friend Dennis Murasaki to Hawaii where Dennis was a native. Hawke found out Gisela and the other nurses Elizabet & Sharstain were living in San Diego and that Summer would be his only chance to visit them. He went to Hawaii but left after one week forfeiting 3 weeks rent to go back and stay in San Diego with the nurses for 3 weeks. Hawke had to go to LA to visit his birth mother before flying to Florida. He took a Greyhound to LA and when it arrived there was a riot going on in Watts.

    Hawke and Gisela began writing and soon it was an everyday habit for the two of them. They staggard the days so each had a new letter to respond to. Very soon they decided to try living together and planned for Gisela to spend Christmas vacation with Hawke at his parents and find an apartment to rent together in Gainesville where they were sure she would get a job at J.Hillis Miller or Gainesville General. The days flew by and Hawke did well in school establishing a 4.0 GPA his third trimester in his pre-med studies. Soon it would be time to drive back to Dunedin and pick up Gisela at Tampa International Airport.

    It was about 3:00 PM and the phone rang and Hawke’s apartment-mate Phillip answered it. "Hawke it's for you, Elizabet from Los Angeles": Yes why are you calling...why are you crying......This morning Gisela was in a freeway accident and arrived at the hospital DOA. I'm so sorry... I can't talk any more now Elizabet.

    I went out to my VW bug and drove out into the countryside crying. I stopped under oak trees draped in Spanish moss. I wailed!... I screamed!... My eyes were fountains of tears that never ran dry. For quite a long time I cried with such sorrow and force that I sounded like a child with a Whooping Cough. Finally, after about two hours of screaming pain, I was quiet. I slowly drove back to my apartment. It was growing dark now, a darkness exceeded by that of my heart. My voice was horse for two days from all the screaming and crying I had done out on that lonely road in Alachua County. I didn't cry over Gisela again until I was old and recounted these experiences in my seventh decade of this life.

    I phoned Mother & Dad in Dunedin and told mother only that we had changed our minds. Not one word about death. Never another word about Gisela. Not until I was in my seventh decade of this life did I tell anyone what happened. I was married three times with neither wife knowing I carried this love and sorrow with me always. Not until I married a fourth time would I be unburdened by the secret of my first love. I never was rid of this love and it warms me to this day. I have always said I always love forever and most think that unlikely but it is true. If I could go back and change history and not have lost Gisela I'm sure I would have been happy BUT I have been happy and I am happy. I surely would not be who I am nor who I was ever thereafter, but life has been good to me and I think I've been good to life.

    I surely am the sum total of all the causations genetic and experiential that we refer to as Hawke. I do not wish for what cannot be. Perhaps this is because I like and love me.
     
    bistander, Lo Ro and A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM like this.
  2. RedCzar

    RedCzar Well-Known Member

    I really liked this. I think the beginning could use a little editing to tighten it up. For instance, it took me a little bit to figure out exactly who Gisela was (one of the nurses, right?), but I was still able to follow it along. I'd also maybe like to expand some of the sections building on that relationship between him and Gisela, just to make the reader feel that emotion even more. The ending though, is a great payoff. (Not for Hawke, obviously, but for the reader). To feel that kind of loss, and then keep it to yourself for an entire lifetime is certainly a life shaping event, and definitely one anyone would want to go back and change. Very nicely done.
     
  3. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM ***Reigning CAW Champion***

    Michael McDaniel likes this.
  4. bistander

    bistander Well-Known Member

    Nice story. It was a quick read and interesting all the way through.
    It was a bit confusing for me at the end because at the beginning the story was written from the father's POV, but toward the end it seemed that it had switched to Hawke's POV.
    Thank you so much for the time and effort you put into this story.
     
    Michael McDaniel likes this.
  5. I was going for emphasis on the shock by switching from third person narrative to the first person. Can you give me any advise on a more effective method to achieve that?
    Sam, it was a slice of my life.
     
    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM likes this.
  6. Uncle B

    Uncle B Well-Known Member

    This story is good, but it needs some help in the writing. Sometimes what seems clear in our heads doesn't always translate to the readers.

    I'm good with the transition from 3rd to 1st person, but I think skipping a few lines to make sure that people understand the change would help.

    It's very heartfelt, and I can see the emotions that went into this. It just needs some editing. Good job.
     
  7. Little Miss K

    Little Miss K Naughty but Nice

    Do Swedish girls always travel in packs of three? :D

    I think @RedCzar has a great point. It's the relationship between you and Gisela that matters most. If you were to condense the history a little bit, then expand the story between you and her, it would let us in on the depth of your pain. (I know that sounds terrible, but I think that is what you wanted us to feel.) :oops:

    To shut your memories of her down for such a long time is so sad. I can't imagine living with such pain, and not being able to talk about it. :( I am glad you were finally able to open upto someone, and even write about it here. I feel so bad for you.

    I don't have anything to say about the writing that hasn't already been said. Only thing I might add is to keep working on it. :)
     
  8. It was autobiographical and I know groups of three sounds contrived.
     
  9. A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM ***Reigning CAW Champion***

    appreciation.jpg

    Micheal, it gives me great pleasure to award this medal for your efforts in the story, 'Do Over'

    I appreciate the effort you put into this. Your story deeply touched me and, from the comments posted, many others.

    A_GIRL_NAMED_SAM
     
    Michael McDaniel likes this.
  10. RedCzar

    RedCzar Well-Known Member

    Hi Michael, now that this is all over I thought I might offer a comment.

    this one kind of stuck out at me. Lose "in Malibu" at the end. It stands to reason Frank's Malibu beach house is in Malibu.

    That one kind of jumped at me, but only because I've made the same mistake so many times that I know sit here going over my stories deleting single words because, I already SAID that.

    As we detailed in other notes, I would love a little more detail about Gisela. Even just another paragraph or two to develop that closeness between you would probably be enough. Deepen that connection for us.

    I'd really like to see you break this up into separate lines. It's hard to follow who is speaking. Different speaker, different line.

    Also, I have to say that I really had no problem with the POV change. I didn't even notice it the first time I read through it. Upon reflection I took it as, he was actually talking in first person through the whole story, telling a story about "a friend." Then at the end it get's so personal that he gives up the pretense that he is talking about some one else. I think it worked well. Sure you might be able to make that transition a little smoother, but as I said, I barely noticed it the first time.

    I think if you have someone proofread/edit, this would tighten up nicely. It's a good piece.

    RC
     
    Michael McDaniel likes this.
  11. Thanks. It was painful but therapeutic for me to write this and that hindered me somewhat in handling the writing details.