CAW 33- Revenge Of The Strong

Discussion in 'Calling All Writers - CAW 33' started by Pars001, Mar 4, 2018.

  1. Pars001

    Pars001 #1 Knight Writer CAW Finalist KAW Winner

    Revenge of the Strong


    John Strongburg pulled up to a stop at the top of the rise. Looking down into the valley a grim smile crossed his lips as he saw his target.

    Stepping down from the stirrup he looked at the signs around his target's camp. Drawing closer he silently cursed when he saw that they had split up. From all he saw they were heading deeper into the badlands. Looking over the camp again he only saw about five of the ten that had drawn his quest for revenge. This was a quest that had the grim reaper sitting on his shoulder as his constant companion.

    Creeping closer he gently rubbed at the massive rope burns around his neck. ‘They should have made sure I was dead,’ he thought. ‘I won't make the same mistake.’ Moving in he saw that the single guard was bored as he made a circle around the camp.

    Looking at the five horses John was constantly checking making sure they couldn't detect his scent. Good still downwind he thought as he crept closer to the guard. A sinister smile crossed his lips as he thought of the ten animals that had burned his home to the ground. Slaughtered all his livestock, his help then made his wife watch as they tied his hands behind his back hanging him.

    That was the last thing he remembered 'til his neighbor had cut him down. The more amazing thing was he was still alive though his throat was too raw for speech. Writing instructions for his neighbor John mounted up setting out after the ten animals.

    "John," his neighbor stated. "You oughta wait for the sheriff."

    Writing rapidly John handed the note to his neighbor as he kicked the horse to a gallop. Not looking back John knew whether or not he lived or died he was never coming back to this place.

    His neighbor could only stare at the note his mouth hanging open. {I ain't coming back here, they took everything from me. I intend to take all from them. They took my Lilly, if she survived I suspect she'll never want to see me again. Live or die I will make them pay, with every bit of myself I will make them pay.}

    So onward he rode, for almost a week, his throat raw from lack of much water the rope burns a constant reminder. Finally he was here though it was too late to get them all he'd just have to keep a few of them alive. He was certain they knew where the others were.

    Checking his saddle bags he loaded up on ammunition. Then he made sure both of his Revolvers was full. Nodding he reached to the back of the saddle pulling his automatic rifle. It was a new model that the army was using a M1898 Krag–Jørgensen Rifle that chambered a .30-40 round.

    John only had to wait a few more minutes as the youngest of the band made his way past John again. Springing like a coiled cobra, John had the man's throat cut before he uttered a word. Stepping back with the body John knew the hard part was about to begin.

    He'd managed to get two more of the men tied up and out of the camp before the other two awoke bringing bedlam. Grabbing their guns they started toward their horses watching for any movement. Leaning out John shot the legs out from one of those escaping. Screaming to his brother the shot man watched in horror as his brother made his horse.

    John took cover as the last man started to fire toward his position heading out at a full gallop. Cursing to his self John took aim firing three rapid rifle shots. The last man grabbed a shoulder then fell off the horse.

    Walking to the first that he'd shot, John chambered a shell. The Man on the ground stopped almost afraid to breathe. John kicked the rifle and pistol away from the man then pulled the trigger back on his revolver pressing it to the man's head. Reaching down John removed two more revolvers, a skinning knife, plus a weird knife that was spring loaded. Shaking his head John had heard of these switchblade knifes though he'd never seen one.

    Grabbing a rope John hog tied the man's legs and arms behind him none too gently. Walking out to the last of the men John saw that the man was armed. Pulling his rifle before he got too close John shot the gun from the now screaming man's hands. Walking out again John's mouth was a tight line as the man started to scream that John was dead, he'd seen John choking as his feet were hanging in the air. Cuffing the man John watched with satisfaction as the man crumbled unconscious.

    All four men awoke stark naked hanging upside down. Writing on a piece of paper John showed it to each man who only stared at John. The last of the four the one John had shot the legs of nodded saying, "I can read not well, but I can."

    John nodded as he started to write again, then he turned the note back to the man. The man's face paled then he looked at the others. "The man says he'll let us go if we tell him where the other five are. He says we don't?" Here the younger man gulped, “he'll start removing parts slowly. He also says it ain't going to be purty."

    At the other end the oldest of the men started to laugh, " I aint telling him sh..."

    Just then a shot rang out as one of the man's toes disappeared causing the older man to scream. John was writing even as he spun his revolver into his holster. Holding the note up the younger man nodded.

    "He says anymore? Now where are they? I can track them but killing them faster has a far better taste. You will talk there are a lot worse things that you can survive than dying." The rest looked at the older man but remained silent. "Honestly mister I didn't know I was just hired to watch the horses. I..."

    John held up another note, then drew his revolver shooting the man between the eyes. Narrowing his eyes he moved to the second man shooting a toe off the man. Looking at the third silent man John sighed then cocked his pistol. Another toe was blown away now all three were bleeding and screaming.

    Spinning his revolver John stepped back his boots tapping the ground as he waited. The first man started to laugh 'til John blew a finger off the man's hand, bringing a renewed screaming. Turning to the other two, John smiled a hard line on his face as he caressed the pistol lovingly.

    When neither said a word John nodded again blowing a finger off the second man. Spinning to the third John's boot tapped the ground again. The third man's eyes were wide though he still refused to talk. John just shrugged pointing his pistol at the man shooting the man's kneecap.

    This time John moved back up the line shooting the first man in the knee with no warning. Then rapidly moved to the second shooting him in the knee. This time John moved back sitting down watching the three men writhe and scream. Calmly John looked out at the empty landscape taking his first deep drink from his canteen.

    Laying back John just shook his head as he leaned back to take a nap. He'd barely started to fall asleep when one of the men started to babble about the plans that the men had. How John's farm had nothing and the leader had taken his anger out on John's farm plus all that were there. Then he started to tell of their hideout, the plans to sell John's wife after all the men at the hideout used her.

    John nodded as he listened as the man described in detail where it was, what town that was nearby, the strength of the men there. The oldest started to shout for the man to shut up, John drew his now fully loaded revolver shooting the man in both hips. The other of the two men left started to scream as John turned to him shooting him in both shoulders.

    The one who had been talking stopped saying, "I thought you said if we told you, that you'd let us go." John nodded, cocked his gun, and shot the man between the eyes.

    While the others were screaming louder, John calmly reloaded his pistol. Walking to the two men John checked the ropes to make sure they were secure. Nodding to himself John leaned down to the first whispering as he started to cut the screaming man. "Never again will a woman have to worry about you." Pulling a wicked looking knife, John grasped the man's sex organs removing them with one swipe.

    The other man was screaming louder as John walked to him repeating the same actions. Taking what he'd cut off he then stuffed them into the now unconscious men's mouths.

    Nodding to himself again, he turned on his heel mounting his horse. Turning deeper into the badlands John kicked the horse into a gallop. He had to catch up, they already had a few days on him. These weren't even the main men, those he had a far worse death in mind for.

    Three days later in a lawless town a few miles inside the badlands, a tall, hard looking man rode in. The arid wind blew his dirty blonde tresses across his face. Most of the people who saw him ran to hide they had stayed alive long enough to know a killer when they saw one. The fierce look of calm in his eyes, the way all his weapons were ready to be drawn at a moment’s notice. Shaking they decided it was time to stay in, death had just rode in and they weren't ready to get in its way.

    The tall, blonde man climbed down tying his horse near the water trough, then looked up at the lamp post shaking his head. Pulling both of his colt revolvers he checked his sights and ammo, then shook his head. The sights really didn't matter at this point, either they drilled holes, or he was dead, plain, and simple. Checking the street he saw that most everyone had skedaddled; good, no need to kill everyone not if he didn't have to.

    Stepping inside the saloon he noticed a few that took a particular notice to him. Especially the way his pistols were at the ready at his side the holsters tied down. Walking to the bar his spurs hardly making a sound, most ignored the tall man with a bandana still around the bottom of his mouth.

    Grabbing his drink the man turned to survey the room. Looking at the piano he noticed the large candelabra on it. Most of the women here had silk stockings on, nodding the man thought yup I'm in the right place. Looking further at the women he could see that a few also had corsets on.

    The man had just settled in with his drink to wait when a young man walked straight up to him. Poking the man the youngster said, "ya is in my spot."

    The man got up to move when the young man drew his pistol. Then he was backing away as the man had already drawn his colt pointing it in the young man's face. In a low raspy voice the man whispered, "Next time you're dead, get!"

    Several men were laughing as the younger man had wet his self at the speed of the man, then ran screaming from the building. Shaking his head the man sat, another older man with pearl buttons on his vest approached him.

    Several men moved in behind the pearl button man making the man tighten his grip on his other colt. "Not bad," The man said as he extended his hand. "Tom Greely, may I?" He said indicating the chair across from the blonde man. The blonde man nodded. "I'm looking for good, fast men like you. It appears that we lost half our men, though the way you move I'd say you make up for almost all of them."

    The blonde man wrote on a paper then handed it to the man. The man looked it over then stated. "You'll work for me, collecting from people that aren't paying. Though if you pick up a few odd jobs then that's ok too."

    One of the men behind Greely drew his pistol firing near the blonde man. This blew a hole in the mortar of the wall behind the blonde man. The distinctive click of the blonde man's colt hammer being cocked froze all that were there.

    Greely nodded as the man who had fired went to retrieve his hat the blonde man had shot off his head. Coming back the man narrowed his eyes at the blonde, "that was a freebee won't happen again."

    The blonde man smiled then the shook his head no. That's when the man's eyes opened in surprise as he fell over blood seeping from a hole near the top of his head.

    Greely smiled then turned to the others, "word of warning I suggest none of you attempt that. I suspect that almost all of you will meet with the same result." Turning back to the blonde, Greely asked, "so you in?" The blonde sat there a moment then nodded. "Good I need you to go with these guys to their place. All of you head out tomorrow for a job just outside the badlands."

    The blonde got up to leave pushing his drink to Greely. Nodding Greely downed the alcohol like it was water. Heading to the door the blonde saw that the bartender had taken a few of the plaid curtains down to cover the body. Looking up the man looked at the blonde then quickly averted his eyes shivering. It felt almost as if he were looking into the eyes of death once was enough for him.

    All of the men left with the blonde man riding beside them. Many remarked what a fine animal he had asking if he'd sell it. They all were of course met with silence.

    An hour later they rode into a well defended box canyon. The blonde man watched everything burning everything to memory. There were two at the opening, two on the cliff above them. Inside he saw that there were at least four patrolling around at all times. Set near a few boulders there were two small shacks. Outside that there were another four men with rifles keeping guard. ‘That was ten,’ the blonde thought.

    As the four of them stopped at the front of one shack another four men came out. A flicker of anger and rage crossed the blonde man's face then was gone in a flash.

    "'Bout time you got back." The obvious leader stated. "Who the hell is this?"

    "The boss hired him, especially after he killed Cass. Ass drew on him thinking he could scare him. Damnedest thing, Cas was dead didn't even realize it. Hole through the top of his head," the oldest of those with the blonde said.

    "Yeah? Well, you got a name fast man?" The leader said as he reached for his gun, then stood stock still when he saw that the blonde had already drawn with the hammer cocked on his gun. Nodding the leader slowly took his hand away from his holstered gun. "Impressive, I won't make that mistake again."

    "We've got a job tomorrow, the boss said." The same man informed the leader.

    "Alright take the new man. As fast as he is shouldn't be a problem. I'll stay here seems we're having a problem with the new whore." The leader laughed as he rubbed his crotch. "After I am through breaking her in, she ought to be real good to go!" This brought laughter from all the men.

    "Hell boss don't kill her! We all want a turn, you know it's been a while for all 'o us." Another of the men sadly said.

    "Don't worry boys after I am done with her she'll beg all of you to take her. I suggest you four get ready you leave in a few hours." The leader said as he watched the four as they readied all their equipment.

    The blonde man was checking everything when his head snapped up noticing a cameo brooch on the leader's shirt. The leader saw the blonde man looking, "that was the same troublesome whore's don't worry she'll be tame as a cat when you get back in a week." The blonde man nodded then went back to his work. The one thing no one noticed was that the blonde man's knuckles were white from the grip he had on his saddle bags.

    The blonde sat to eat the almost bland and tasteless meal. Watching the whole time he had to make sure everything was perfect when he returned. This was going to take a bit of maneuvering, then he let a small smile cross his lips a moment. Considering he thought of himself as already dead this should be easy.

    A few hours later the blonde was awoken by a man moving toward his cot at the back of the shack. Even as the man was reaching for him the blonde man had a pistol barrel against the man's head. "hey I jus' here ta get ya up." The man said backing away with his hands in the air.

    The blonde nodded as he rose pulling on his shirt. Walking out he was met by the other three men. "Let's go we got a few days to get where we're going." All the men mounted up stopping while the leader talked to the man leading them. Then they were on the way out of the box canyon.

    The blonde made sure to memorize all the landmarks as they moved further away. Moving past the town they continued on a few more hours stopping to rest the horses. The blonde man had taken his horse to the creek when he felt a presence. Moving the horse and himself to a more secure location he awaited whoever was following him.

    Then moving his horse even further back the blonde man listened for any sound or movement. A shadow moved closer to the creek then stopped. "Hey fast man!" Came the voice of the man leading their mission. "Got a question for ya. Since we hung ya once ya ought to die quicker this time don't you think?"

    The blonde man felt something was going on since the man had made no move to find him. Clinging closer to the rocks he began to scan the higher rocks around him. Sure enough a few moments later a shadow could be seen creeping closer to where he had been. Nodding the blonde man crept along the bank of the creek getting behind the man's position.

    "Hey! Fast man or should I say farmer man! After we kill ya we're going back to sample that pretty whore of yours! She should be a real tasty treat. Damn good reward for killin' ya a second time!" The man shouted just around the rocks.

    The blonde man watched as the man on the cliff finally got in position leaving him completely open. The blonde man smiled as he made his way up the side of the rocks. Crouching behind the man he waited a bit before he sprang knocking the man out though the man had a chance to turn firing his gun just as the blonde cuffed him.

    From Below the blonde heard the man call out, "ya get him?" When there was no reply the man started to curse then move back towards the camp. Hurrying the blonde had already tied the first man up working his way back down the rock face.

    Running as fast as he could, he could already hear the other two making it to their horses. Cursing to himself the blonde jumped on his horse giving chase. Seeing that they were going to get away if he didn't do something he pulled his rile. Firing two shots he saw the both of them duck, even as he was firing another two. This time one of the men yelled as he grabbed his arm leaning low in the saddle, then falling a short time later.

    Pressing his horse the blonde man felt bad for pushing the animal. His horse feeling his urgency seemed to gain a second wind as the distance started to close. Pulling his rifle again, the blonde man fired another two shots finally bringing down the man. Screaming the man fell from the saddle blood spreading across the back of his shirt.

    The blonde man walked up to the man gasping for breath. Kicking the gun out of reach the blonde man tied the man up draping him over the saddle. Making his way back to the second man the blonde man cocked his rifle causing the man to freeze. "look pard' it was his idea ju.." Then blonde man nodded then struck the man with the butt of the rifle.

    All three men awoke a few hours later buried to their necks out in the dessert. All three looked on in horror as the man they thought they had hung stood before them. Whispering the blonde man told them, "You took everything from me. You left me to die strangled by my own weight. I was there for hours. Now I will repay you in kind. As soon as they get your scent I am sure the ants and the buzzards will make short work of you."

    Walking away the blonde man heard them start to yell then curse. Walking to his saddle bags the blonde man pulled out a bottle of a thick golden liquid. Opening it he started to pour it around all three men as they started to scream louder. Emptying the bottle he turned to walk away as he heard the approach of several insects.

    Climbing into the saddle he started back toward the box canyon. Hardly a quarter of a mile away he saw the appearance of the first of the buzzards. Smiling more he thought he heard the screams of the men though he thought he was too far away.

    Finally he came within site of the canyon. Turning he started around toward the back of it. There was always a second way in though not ever easy. He was all the way around to the opposite of the canyon when he noticed what appeared to be a steep path up. Smiling he thought this makes things easier. Climbing up he was in the canyon in less than an hour.

    Heading down he was almost to the shacks as night was falling. He had to crouch down as one of the guards came by. Itching to kill the man the blonde man knew to wait 'til it was the right time. He was about to make a move when he heard a female scream. Why did that voice sound familiar? Taking his rifle out he took aim bringing down two of the guards on horseback. Aiming he took out the third when he heard shouting from the first shack.

    Pulling both his colts he hoped he had enough ammo to take them all out. Looking out from the new position he was in he waited as three men came out mostly in their underwear each holding a revolver.

    Aiming the blonde man took out two of them the third diving back inside, as four more men opened fire. Quickly moving the blonde man took out another two on the run, that's half he thought. Confused the last three men started to fire where the blonde man had been. Smiling the man took out an eighth then the ninth again on the run.

    That meant there were two left here, plus the last of those that he was going to kill as slowly as he could. Taking a risk the man made his way to the side of the building. Looking around he saw one man was inside the other crouching behind a barrel. Neither it appeared to have a clue as to where he was.

    Smiling the blonde man crept up on the man at the barrel strangling the man with hardly any sound. Looking from the barrel the man cocked his gun waiting for any sign of movement. A voice broke the night, "What the hell is going on out here?"

    "We're under at.." The last man in the shack said as the blonde man's pistol roared. Slammed into the wall the man gasped then hit the floor.

    The man who'd spoke dived around the side of the building. "I don't know who you are, though I can tell you there is no way you can beat all of us." He shouted out. Then as the moon came out he saw several bodies laying around. "I'll make you a deal!" The man shouted. "Everyone has a code of honor, as I am sure you do. Let me go, you can have the women. Hell got a slightly used whore you can break in. What you say?"

    The blonde man had reloaded the last ten bullets he had, leaning out he shot next to the leader's head. The leader jerked back then fired at the barrel where the man had been. Looking out the leader smiled wickedly seeing no return fire. Stepping out he took one step then froze when he heard the click of a colt hammer being drawn back.

    "You took everything from me. Now I'm taking all that you have," came a whispered voice from the darkness. Then the man was falling as the butt of a pistol met his head. Tying the man up the blonde man crept to the second shack. Looking in he saw several women tied to several beds, including a woman who looked very familiar. Looking further he saw two other women with what appeared to be Remington hammer 12 gauge shotguns.

    Shaking his head he had to get in there without killing them. Thinking a moment the man shrugged then knocked on the door. A woman appeared at the door with the shot gun in front of her. The blonde man grabbed it from her grasp pointing it at the other woman. Motioning her to drop it the woman shook her head no, the blonde man pulled the trigger aiming way over the woman's head.

    Several of the women screamed as the one with the gun put it down immediately. "Untie them," the man whispered. Looking at the unconscious woman on the bed the man's ire rose as he saw the bruises all over her face, on her chest, arms and legs. Plus there was a small trickle of blood near her vagina. Holding his temper with supreme effort he growled at all the women. "Help her, stop the bleeding NOW!"

    Several of the women nodded as if in a trance as they moved to the woman tied to the bed. In the distance the man could hear the approach of several horses. Looking over the shot guns he nodded then moved out of the shack telling the women to stay quiet 'til he came back.

    Looking out the front of the first shack he saw that three of the last four men at the front were approaching. Stopping near the first shack they called out several names before slowly advancing. The blonde man leaned out the window opening up with both shot guns as all three went down screaming. Blown back by the force of both guns the man was up pulling a pistol shooting the three men in the head.

    Moving back into the second shack he had the women go through several trunks that were there. Sitting out on the front porch he sighed it was going to be a while before they would be ok if ever.

    An hour later one of the two women that had held the shotguns came out meekly, and asked the man if he wanted something to eat. Shaking his head he told the woman to make sure they ate, it was going to be a long few days after they left.

    "Leave? They won't let us leave, they…" here the woman gasped as she saw the leader tied up on the porch at the man's feet. "They are all gone?"

    "All but this one, I have something special in mind for him." The man whispered. The woman nodded her eyes wide as she went inside to relate the news. Several of the women came out to thank the man, to which he only nodded telling all of them they were leaving soon.

    They all nodded as a few hours later the same woman that had come to him first told him that the woman on the bed was awake. Nodding the man told her he was gathering the horses for them that they needed to be ready. Going out to the corral he saw that there were twelve horses, damn it! There were fourteen women.

    Reaching down he pulled the leader to his feet dragging him to the horse corral. Putting the leader in a hole after he'd cut the man's sex organs loose, the blonde man filled in the hole. Leaning down he whispered into the whimpering man's ear. "Never again you sick son of a bitch!" With that the blonde man stuffed the leader's genitals in the leader's mouth. Then the man grabbed a pitch fork piling up horse droppings around the man's head.

    Tying the bandana around most of his face he led the women out to the horses. There he explained that they had to go slow as there weren't enough horses. One woman walked up to him then turned leading a horse as did the man.

    Near the opening of the canyon the man saw that the last man was long gone, probably scared off by the shooting. Halting the women the man wrote a note that his horse was on the other side. All got down to wait. the man loaded the shot guns handing them to the women 'til he got back. Less than two hours later the man rode back.

    Sliding off his horse he helped all the women pack all they could. Writing a note he had one of the women read it. He explained that with as many hurt as they were it would take almost a week to reach the town outside the badlands.

    The rest of the day they walked not making a lot distance. Though the further they got from the canyon the better they all felt. Calling a halt the man had all of the women sleeping as he took the watch. They might be free of the canyon but they weren't safe yet. They were barely past the town now. One errant cowboy could alert the whole town to be after them in no time.

    They next day the man was dead on his feet but could see the women were in better spirits. Grabbing the lead of his horse he lead them onward trying to go faster they still had a good distance to go just to be out of the badlands.

    Finally stopping the women, the man breathed a little easier, they had reached the boundary crossing over. Finally he thought he could sleep as he looked for any of the women to stand guard. Finally the woman who'd been tied to the bed stepped forward.

    "You need to sleep, we're dead if we get attacked with you falling out. I'll watch with a few others," she told him as he handed her both colts. Taking the guns she stared at the man a moment then shook her head.

    The first real sleep the man had in almost three weeks wasn't that restful. Replaying the horror that had happened that day then a voice woke him what seemed like only minutes later. Lashing out, the man stopped realizing who had awoken him. Nodding to the woman he thanked her as they again headed out to the nearest town outside the badlands.

    Finally almost a week later they arrived to the shouts of a great many people. Heading to the sheriff's office the man stopped heading in the opposite direction. He pulled up short when the same woman stopped him standing there in the street. Pulling his colt she'd kept she handed it to him, with a nod he started to move past her when her words stopped him cold.

    "I know it's you John," she said as she turned to stare at him. "I... I saw them hang you. I screamed 'til they knocked me out. I knew that I could never give up, you taught me that John." Tears were starting to fall from the man's eyes as she continued. "I was lost at first then I remembered all that you'd taught me. I KNEW I would survive because of you not because I lost you."

    John's head was hanging low unable to look at the bravest person he'd ever known in his life. When she reached to touch him he recoiled afraid she'd hate him for what had happened.

    Throwing herself at him she tackled him to the ground. "Oh you stubborn ass! I thought it was you when you refused to sleep that first day." When he refused to look at her she shouted at him, "Look at me John, damn it!" When he finally lifted his head he was shocked as he saw no hatred or shame only love and pride. "Now then, get on your horse and follow me."

    Moving almost on automatic John did as she asked. Just outside of town they both dismounted as the horses were content to graze while the woman laid the blanket out for the picnic. Patting the blanket she smiled up at John as he sunk to his knees still in shock. Kissing him as she removed the bandana she looked into his eyes with nothing but love.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2018
  2. God

    God God Staff Member Moderator Founder & Admin

  3. 1 Toy Maker

    1 Toy Maker Well-Known Member

    What a good western! Well plotted and thought out. A few minor errors but i dont think they detracted from my reading.
    Thanks writer
     
  4. Pars001

    Pars001 #1 Knight Writer CAW Finalist KAW Winner

    well....... Westerns have never been a favorite of mine guess the story was ok
     
  5. Stealth Eagle

    Stealth Eagle Well-Known Member

    Well written a few minor mistakes but for the most part a very good story.
     
  6. Redbeard1031

    Redbeard1031 Well-Known Member

    A good story full of revenge. Thanks for your submission.
     
  7. Uncle B

    Uncle B Well-Known Member 3-Time CAW Winner

    I saw 15 uses from all 3 lists. Good job!

    I always love a good Western, and this fit the bill. Good use of the lists. The action was great, and the ending made it all seem like it worked out well.

    So glad you participated!
     
  8. ahorsewithnoname

    ahorsewithnoname Author & Admin. Live. Love. Write! Win a Pulitzer! Staff Member Founder & Admin 7-Time CAW Winner 5-Time CAW SS Winner

    Don't see Westerns too often and I like a good Western; thanks for sharing!
     
  9. bistander

    bistander Well-Known Member Multi-CAW Finalist KAW Winner

    First off, thank you for entering the contest. There seemed to be a lot of thought put into this tale.

    As Horse said, there were many commas missing and sentences structured in a way that made it hard for me to read. The story could have been much stronger if you hadn't written so much of it in a passive voice. It might be perceived as a pet peeve of mine on this site, but the experts agree that starting too many sentences with ing words-especially paragraphs-weakens the writing. There were 317 of them in this 5700-word story.

    Yes, it does take more work to write strong sentences, but it will make your great story ideas scream to be read. That's just my, what seems to be limited, opinion.
    If you're interested, I use Grammarly as one part of a many part writing process. I popped your story in and here's a snippet.
    Critique.PNG
     
  10. ahorsewithnoname

    ahorsewithnoname Author & Admin. Live. Love. Write! Win a Pulitzer! Staff Member Founder & Admin 7-Time CAW Winner 5-Time CAW SS Winner

    What's interesting is what Grammarly missed, and it's an easy one:

    Then he made sure both of his Revolvers was full.

    was = were

    Revolvers = revolvers

    But, it is still a useful tool, of course. Actually, the more tools the merrier.
     
    bistander likes this.
  11. HCB0414

    HCB0414 Well-Known Member Multi-CAW Finalist 2-Time CAW SS Winner

    It seems to me this story may have been written by someone whose first language isn't English. If I am correct, then I tip my hat to you. English is difficult enough language for those who have spoken it their entire lives. Could also explain why the sentence structure was written as such, maybe there was something lost in translation, as the writer may not hear it the way it sounds to those whose first language is English.

    Anyways... The story itself was good, I did enjoy it. A personal preference of mine would be a little more back story of who John was before these men attacked him/tried to kill him. I didn't really feel his anger, even though it may have been justified, but that's only because I didn't know what kind of man he was before he set off for revenge.

    Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the story. I just like knowing the characters more and feel their anger, or sadness, or joy, or worry. (Sorry I have two children and have watched way too much of the movie Inside Out) If I were to have that while on his journey I think I would have liked it even more.
     
  12. Missrachael

    Missrachael Well-Known Member Queen of Cheshire

    This was a powerful story but the violence at the beginning was a bit too much for me as I'm not a fan of gore, nor westerns! Obviously, we can't write for every taste when the remit is so wide. Apologies for not being able to give more of a review but I had to stop after the genitalia had been cut off and put into their mouths. Good luck in the vote though.
     
    bistander likes this.
  13. ejls

    ejls Moderator Staff Member Moderator CAW Founder 7-Time CAW Winner

    As Rachael said, this was a little to violent for my taste. And, I don't remember the last time I read a Western, except those in a CAW. I thought someone might write one, based on the words presented in the challenge. Good job with this.
     
  14. Little Miss K

    Little Miss K Naughty but Nice 3-Time CAW Winner CAW SS Winner

    Very, very, very violent. :eek:

    I don't read a lot of westerns, but I do like them from time to time. This fits into the genre. Maybe a little more violent than most, but the action moved along nicely.

    There was a lot of missing punctuation. :( From what I saw, there were many places where you should have used a comma. Another place at the beginning when you wrote, both of his revolvers was full, should be were full.

    This was fun to read, and entertaining. I am trying to figure out who wrote it. :confused:

    A little background on John might be a good addition. How did he get so good with a gun, then become a farmer?

    Thanks for a good story. :D