CAW 32: A Modern Tale of the Lesser of Two Evils

Discussion in 'Calling All Writers - CAW 32' started by TonyBS, Dec 3, 2017.

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  1. TonyBS

    TonyBS Troublemaker

    A Modern Tale of the Lesser of Two Evils

    by TonyBS & Luvsalik

    Based on picture #2

    ----

    The bat flitted through the night sky, it took a sharp left at the end of the street as though it were following the road. Halfway down the block, it alighted onto the eaves of a house. A brief pause to catch its breath, and then it dissolved into a cloud of vapor. The cloud snaked down the wall to the window; it found the tiny cracks that couldn't be sealed and flowed into the house.

    On the other side of the window, a guy sat in his easy chair, tapping at his laptop, checking the status of his friends, occasionally joining in the conversations with something witty, or amusing. But something caught his eye, and he looked up just in time to see a mist solidify into, …

    A woman stood in his living room, and a damned hot woman at that. His surprise turned to lust, and as he scanned her fine form, that lust turned to recognition. Though that recognition was soon replaced by bewilderment.

    "You're a vampire?" He said disbelievingly.

    "Why yes I am" the woman affirmed confidently. With that she transfixed the guy with her gaze. The bewildered look melted, to be replaced by … nothing but a blank vacant stare.

    The woman advanced on the guy, she gestured and he rose from his chair, seemingly like a marionette on strings. She knelt in front of him, pulled down his zip, and pulled out his stiff dick. She was impressed by the size of it, but not surprised. She’d seen it before, they’d traded photos. The dick looked even better in reality, than in his pictures, so thick, heavy, and juicy.

    She licked her lips as she surveyed the monstrous member. Unconsciously she felt her tongue run over her pronounced canines as she broke into a dirty grin. For the average mortal, the teeth could have been a problem, but she fully intended to employ them. She usually did, and she didn't have to worry about her subjects objecting. Like all her victims, she held him in a thrall. With just a glance, the power of a vampire's mind could overcome the will of most mortals.

    While blood was the ultimate vital essence to a vampire, other bodily fluids also held significance to them. This was a fact most arcane texts were too prudish to mention, but she intended to make use of them all. She descended on the dick, this was one thing she really appreciated, giving head was one of her favorite sex acts, even before she was “turned.” She felt the yielding hardness in her mouth and gently caressed the dick with her tongue, cradling, then withdrawing, to tease the tip before reaching to tickle his balls. Wrapping her lips around the whopping dick made her drip; she was totally thrilled with it.

    Her subject, despite her thrall, appreciated her efforts. He was still fully conscious, just his will to act was submerged by her mind. He groaned freely, and his knees wobbled. Without her will, he may not have kept standing. She felt his seed rising, she paused, deliberately running her canines over the ridge on his dick, drawing blood. He winced, but immediately forgot that as he started cuming.

    She felt a charge as she tasted the blood, it immediately energized her, only to be followed by a blast of cum at the back of her throat. That gave her an amplified, and this time erotic, charge. She felt truly alive, this was the best part of being a vampire, this feeling. Her loins were on fire, and needed urgent attention.

    Her thrall, having supplied the energy to her, felt the opposite effect. He felt all the energy drain out of him. He felt the usual post orgasmic slump, but this was magnified a hundred fold, making his limbs feel like lead. His knees could not have held him anymore, even if she hadn't released his compulsion to stay upright. He landed on the carpet with a dull thud.

    He didn't have a chance to enjoy his torpor, she grabbed his shoulder, and flipped him onto his back. It was as though he was a rag doll, she betrayed no effort in the action. Next she landed with her pussy full on his face. To complete an enthralling of a mortal, there needed to be a mutual drinking of vital fluids. She particularly liked the exchange of pussy juice for her mortals’ enthralling.

    She willed him to attend to her pleasure, she felt his tongue running up her pussy, and across her clit. She shivered, she wouldn't take long now. She hastened him, rubbing her pussy over his face. Their combined efforts were having the desired effect; she could feel her juices dripping into his mouth. She could feel the drain on her energy, and conversely he was energized by the transaction.

    He was now aware enough to realize she was cuming. The effect was quite explosive, she paused, straining, then let out an animal howl. Before she sprang off his face, allowing him to see the scene. Her face was distorted, demonic. Her inner demon was showing as she came.

    He didn't have long to appreciate the scene, she landed legs astride his hips, grabbed him under the armpits and threw him effortlessly back into his chair. Then, she jumped on top of him, and he felt his hard on penetrate her pussy as she landed. He hadn't realized he was hard until that moment, but her use of his face, and particularly her energizing pussy juice, had ensured his speedy recovery.

    That suited her, she felt full and impaled, in a good way (not in the way vampires feared). She could feel his dick was still bleeding slightly, and the blood transferred more vital energy to her. She felt increasingly alive, while he felt weighted down. She kissed him passionately as she thrust her hips up and down, riding his dick. Again, the exchange of vital fluids, this time saliva, increased the thrall under which he was held.

    The total erotic charge, blood, semen, and saliva was almost too much for her. She could feel her orgasm rising in her loins. She went for his neck, in the classic vampire move. She drank deeply of his blood; he felt most of the life drain out of himself, conversely at those moments she never felt more alive. This was what she lived for as a vampire; this made it all worthwhile. She felt his cum spurt into her pussy with a jolt of vital, and erotic, energy. Her orgasm hit her following the jolt, knocking the wind out of her, and she slumped into his lap, laying still except for a gasping for breath.

    She gradually uncurled herself, separating herself from him. She stretched a long languid bone cracking stretch topped off with a mighty yawn, although she was anything but tired. She was both totally alive, and totally relaxed.

    Spying his phone on the table next to him, she picked it up, flipped on the camera, and took some selfies of them both, her fangs out, destined for his neck; her tongue stuck in his ear; sitting on his lap, smooching him.

    Getting, rather shakily, to her feet, she struck a pose and examined her image on the screen. She was smiling, grinning, and her lips were lined in blood. Inside she felt just as happy as her grin suggested, she tucked a few stray hairs back into place, then snapped a few of herself, pouting this way and that; arching her eyebrow; trying to look her most seductive. Admiring the shots, ‘practice,’ she mused, ‘pays off.’

    She looked around, spied the powder room, and stepped in, flipping on the light. She leant over the counter to examine herself in the mirror, only to be confronted with very little at all. She could only see a vague outline of herself. Cursing to herself, "fucking aluminum mirrors," she never got used to that aspect of being a vampire.

    She noticed the exhaust fan running in the ceiling; it had come on with the light switch. She let out an almost manic cackle, twirled around three times and dissolved into the cloud of vapors. The draft from the fan drew her up and out of the house. She did like using this exit, the fan blades tickled in unexpected places; it was always an adventure when she was high after a feeding, as she was.

    Out in the night air, the cloud reassembled itself into the bat, which then flitted off in the direction it had come, retracing its path.

    ***

    The bat reached its destination, another anonymous house in the suburbs. It flew towards the front door, and landed as the woman. She approached the door and typed a combination into the door lock, while still cursing her lot. She just wanted as “normal” a life as possible, but she couldn't take anything technological with her when she transformed like that, not even a metal key for the front door.

    She briefly tittered thinking of the episode with the nylon underwear. After that episode, she’d decided to give up on underwear entirely when hunting. She also cringed at the thought of all the iPhones she'd slayed, and then entered the house. She was home now, she could relax and just be herself, she could be just Zaria.

    She ducked into her own bathroom. When she flipped on the light switch, the room was lit softly by a string of "candles". The mirror was outlined by soft strip lights, as the “mirror” itself flickered into life, and showed an image of the room, including herself. Smiling to herself, she examined her image; she liked what she saw. Her raven black hair framed the palest of white skin. It was a look she emphasized with some dramatic touches of makeup, black eyebrows, and crimson lipstick. She was most pleased with the splashes of blood on her lips and cheeks.

    She reflected on the image, it wasn't actually a reflection, but it looked pretty good to her. One of her more technically inclined thralls, Lucas, had put it together for her, she made a note to be extra nice to him the next time it was his turn. She also mused on the mirror earlier, she'd have to check with Travis, another of her thralls, who was trying to extend Maxwell's equations to explain the effect.

    Travis' theory made her head hurt, but it did explain things nicely. He extended the equations to add a couple more dimensions, more meta-physical dimensions, with axes for pure vs corrupt, and good vs evil. Silver was the most pure element, so could not reflect the image of her most corrupt soul. Aluminum was not quite as pure as silver, so she did see a slight image in that mirror.

    She licked her lips and again tasted her earlier conquest. She'd like to leave the taste there, but she really felt she needed to shower. Discarding her low cut light (cotton) top, she again looked at her image in the “mirror.” She toyed with the cross that hung around her neck, somewhat unusual jewelry for a vampire she considered. She had been amused by Travis' theory. The theory had said silver was most pure, but also categorized more corrupt substances. So Travis had suggested ferrous sulfide as particularly corrupt, and she'd had the cross made of it. Lo and behold, it didn't burn her.

    She untied the leather thong that held the cross around her neck and set it on the counter. Discarding the rest of her clothes in a hamper, she stepped into the shower, and luxuriated in the warm water. She allowed the water to wash away her cares, as well as the last evidence of her earlier encounter.

    Feeling better, and clean, she stepped out of the shower, dried off and put on the light negligee that was hanging on the back of the door. She stepped out of the bathroom, into her living room. Taking her favorite position on the sofa, she picked up her laptop to read her messages. At the top of her inbox was a message from Gavin, her victim from earlier.



    From: Gavin
    Subject: OMFG!

    You're a freaking vampire, for reals!!

    I mean, I never really believed vampires existed, that was just a fantasy. I mean, those goth chicks act all vampy, and that's good, but you're real, really a vampire, that's epic. I never thought I'd ever get to meet one for real. Man, no one is ever going to believe this.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you, you were amazing. Well, you couldn't help but be amazing, being a freaking vampire, Wow! Just thank you.

    You can come feed on me anytime.



    She smiled, and filed the message in Gavin's folder, he'd again invited her to his house. Not that she needed that really, Gavin had already invited her in in an earlier email, which had allowed her to infiltrate his house.

    She then looked at her other messages, she had several replies to her ad, "I want to drink your blood." That one always seemed to get a good response. Sometimes she wondered how much of that was the drinking blood, and how much were the revealing photos she had on her profile. Whatever it was, she never lacked for prospects. She had even more replies to her, "Strict vampiress Mistress seeks willing victim." That one gathered more hardcore respondents.

    She appreciated this more modern method of hunting for her victims, not only was it less effort than the old methods, her victims were willing, insistent even. She drew no attention from law enforcement, and even better, no attention from vampire hunters.

    She picked up her phone to check some of her apps. Vampires tended to avoid Tinder, they didn't get on with fire, but she had a favorite one, "Sucker" which was popular with her sort. She didn't think it was originally meant to be about drinking blood, but that was a large section of its user base. She swiped right quite a few times before finally settling on a very promising prospect.

    She was interrupted by an alarm, it was nearly dawn, time for her to sleep through the day. Sunlight, being the purest of light, would of course kill her. So she circled the house to check on the blackout blinds on all the windows, before she retired to her room. Lying on the bed, she turned on the TV, which covered most of one wall. Then she switched to the outside camera. She missed experiencing the dawn directly, this was the next best thing. She was definitely going to reward Lucas for this system, as well as the mirror. Such things made her life (or should that be undeath), so much more pleasant.

    ***

    Zaria skipped out of the front door of her latest victim, she giggled, still high from her feeding. She twirled around, blew him a kiss, and set off on foot for once. She just felt like a walk in the cool night air. With a spring in her step, and an occasional skip, she made her way, carefree, happy. Then whop! Something hit her in the face.

    Instantly sober, she flipped over backwards, landed on her feet in a ready stance, and looked for the threat. The threat was a girl, her long blond hair pulled back, she was dressed stylishly, but all in black, and was also in a ready stance. "OW! What the fuck d'ya do that for?" quizzed Zaria.

    "Because you're an evil vampire, and I'm just about to slay you," was the matter of fact response from the assailant.

    "Maybe you'd care to examine the truth of that statement more closely, before you proceed," countered Zaria. The assailant paused. Recognizing her assailant Zaria exclaimed, "Hey! You're Buffy, aren't you? The vampire slayer?"

    Preening slightly with the recognition, Buffy admitted, "Yes, that's me, what of it? And what do you mean, 'examine the truth'?"

    Relaxing slightly Zaria expounded, "Your statement contained an assumption, maybe you'd best examine that first."

    A puzzled look flitted across Buffy's face, "That you're a vampire?"

    "No, that's not in dispute."

    Still on her guard, Buffy again paused and said uncertainly, "That you're evil?"

    "Bingo. How do you know that's true?"

    Uncertain now, Buffy tried, "Because you're a vampire?"

    "So your assumption is that all vampires are evil."

    "They are."

    "Meet the counter example," Zaria exclaimed, while framing herself with jazz hands. Buffy looked lost for words, she opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Zaria continued, "Have you ever heard of me before? I'm Zaria by the way."

    "Well no."

    "Have I ever killed anyone? I mean, you Scoobies get all the reports of all vampire activities, have I ever been named in a report."

    "Erm, not that we know of."

    "Rhetorical question, if you've never heard of me. So why do you think I'm evil?"

    "You're a vampire."

    "See, assumptions, you know what they say about assuming, it 'makes an ass out of u and me.' Could I wear this if I were evil?" She flourished the cross on her necklace to draw attention to it.

    Buffy looked startled, then even less certain of her position. She relaxed her stance somewhat. Zaria pushed home her advantage, "What would professor Wheedon say?"

    Buffy's face creased, trying to remember the words of her philosophy professor, but failing.

    "I'll give you a hint, you're a moral absolutist, your concept of good and evil is prescribed by the powers that be. So what makes someone evil? Thou shall honor thy father and thy mother? Thou shalt not commit adultery?" Zaria looked quizzically at Buffy, who looked uncomfortable at the mention of those commandments.

    "OK, maybe not those, Thou shalt not steal?" Buffy nodded almost imperceptibly, continuing that thought, Zaria agreed, "OK, and the doozy, Thou shalt not kill." Buffy looked more certain with that thought. "So we can say, if I haven't killed anyone, I'm not evil. Though personally, I'm amoral, I have no use for your concepts of good and evil."

    Zaria knew the logic there wasn't quite solid, but Buffy nodded, then agreed, "OK." But then reconsidered, "How do I know you haven't killed anyone? I mean, you could just be lying about that."

    Zaria had an answer, "Don't you have someway of working that out? Couldn't your red headed witch do that for you?”

    "Oh, yeah, I suppose Willow could do a truth spell. Wanna come meet everyone?"

    With that, the unusual pair walked off towards the Scooby HQ, Buffy's apartment. They were still wary of each other, but made no hostile moves. They conversed freely about how Zaria existed in the modern world. When they reach the apartment, there was no one home, so they just sat in the living room and talked some more.

    The conversation turned to one of Zaria's regrets, humans were just too fragile, she had to be so careful not to actually damage those she fed off, or beat up (consensually of course).

    Buffy smiled, "You couldn't hurt me."

    Startled, Zaria looked at her blankly. Buffy explained, "I fight vampires all the time, they don't hurt me. Wanna rumble?" Buffy sprang off the sofa into a ready stance. Reflexively, Zaria copied her, and the two faced off. Zaria made no move, Buffy taunted her, "What are you waiting for, are you scared of a little girl?"

    Zaria made a half hearted swipe at Buffy, it was a blow that would have easily killed most humans. Buffy effortlessly deflected the blow, and struck a back handed blow at Zaria's head. Zaria was knocked off balance, rolled and came back up in the ready stance again. She again struck at Buffy, this time a full blooded blow. It landed on Buffy, who was knocked back, but stayed on her feet.

    Buffy laughed, "See." Then launched herself at Zaria. As Buffy was flying through the air Zaria was ready, she stepped into the attack, and threw Buffy on the floor. Buffy reflexively pulled Zaria on top of her, and they descended into a wrestling match. Pulling, twisting, rubbing, writhing into a hot sweaty mess.

    It was unclear who began laughing first, but Zaria ended up pinning Buffy's arms to the floor. They ended noses almost touching, and as Buffy blew a puff of air to shoo away the hair from her face, they both in turn jumped and descended into fits of giggles. It was then Zaria noticed her opponents ample chest heaving from exertion, noticed the flushed skin, and reflexively bent over and planted a kiss on Buffy's rose bud lips.

    Shocked at first, she began to push Zaria off, but, ‘boy is she a good kisser,’ mused Buffy. She struggled momentarily with the fact that the vampire on top of her was a girl! Though strangely, never the fact she was a vampire, or not strange at all if you know Buffy. ‘Everyone knows I'm partial to a couple of fangs or two, yep, the worst kept secrets in Sunnydale,’ Buffy further mused. Angel and Spike briefly popping into her mind's eye, until she once again, lost herself in Zaria's lips.

    ‘Ohh my! Wow! is she is good!’ Buffy thought as she felt her moisture seep between her legs. It wasn't till Zaria broke for air did Buffy realize her clothes were undone and open and that her boobs were under attack from fingers even more skilled than those lips!

    Before she knew it Zaria's lips were wrapped around her dark pink nipples, and they were suckling harder and more deftly than any guy had.

    ‘Whoa, now I know why Willow decided to bat for the other team,’ Buffy thought as she wound her fingers through Zaria's hair, holding her in position. ‘If she keeps this up we'll both know if I can lactate!’ She moaned as Zaria's fingers invaded her sopping wet pussy.

    Zaria knew Buffy wouldn't be able to resist her ministrations, it was a knack, well that and she practiced a lot. Her fingers were pistoning in and out of Buffy, and they both felt her climax rising. It took moments for Buffy to cum; she squirted over Zaria's fingers moaning and thrusting in pleasure.

    While she was recouping Zaria lifted off Buffy's boobs, pushed up her tiny skirt, whipped off Buffy’s panties and mounted her in one fluid motion. Zaria was riding her lovers face and soon they were feasting with relish, sucking, licking, and tickling, wrapped up in swollen hot pussy flesh. Almost simultaneously they each latched onto the other's clit and sucked hard, french kissing the girly moistness.

    As their muffled moans reached a crescendo, they both released copious amounts of creamy cummy pussy juice. Cumming together they each filled the other's mouth and Zaria greedily drank of the Slayer’s life force, feeling Buffy’s supernatural strength flow through her. Reveling in the cummy climax Zaria's inner demon began to show as she lifted herself off her lover, she was sated, replenished and shocked to find - attracted to this super human.

    Buffy in her orgasmic haze lazily opened her eyes to look at Zaria, just in time to see her slender bodied mate poof into a pile of dust, and be replaced by a worried Xander standing there. He had a pointy wooden stake in his hand, where Zaria's heart used to be. He'd slayed her.

    "Buffy, Buffy, are you alright? It's OK I got the vampire." He considered the scene, and then asked, "Why are you naked?"

    Buffy lay there, trying to gather her thoughts, "What have you done?" She asked, while considering who was evil here.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2017
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  2. 1 Toy Maker

    1 Toy Maker Well-Known Member

    Hahahahaha clever little ending.
     
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  3. Missrachael

    Missrachael Queen of Cheshire

    Fabulous tale but everyone LOVED Zaria.... They weren't fearful of her! Loved it x
     
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  4. Justanotherslut

    Justanotherslut Active Member

    Oh my...great twist!
     
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  5. Uncle B

    Uncle B Well-Known Member

    I didn't see this turning into a Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan fiction. That took me by surprise.

    Even if I wasn't expecting that, I liked the whole story, and thought it could have ended halfway through and still been good. The writing was very good. I always like when a vampire story follows the lore, and in every instance that you deviated from that, you explained how it was possible. Great job!

    I am an unashamed fan of the Buffy movie and television show, so it was surprising when you took it that direction. Like I said, it could have ended before that point and still been a good story.

    Another one for the read again list, and remembering to add the picture is an added bonus.
     
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  6. Redbeard1031

    Redbeard1031 Well-Known Member

    Lets twist again like we did last summer...... I enjoyed this tale. Thanks for your submission.
     
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  7. AnX...

    AnX... Bloody nuisance

    Nice, thoroughly enjoyed.
     
  8. TertiusHuman

    TertiusHuman Well-Known Member

    Well written story, followed vampire lore closely even though I found a few niggles, but nothing which deducted from the story.

    Loved the transition, even though slightly off-character (but hey, how else would we make celebs do what we want them to?) And the fact that social media makes things easier for hunters of the night, does send a bit of a chill down the spine.

    If there was any grammatical or spelling issues, I missed them
     
  9. Little Miss K

    Little Miss K Naughty but Nice

    I'm left out of this a little bit. :(

    I have never seen Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I have always wanted to, and plan on binge watching it someday, but for now I haven't. :confused:

    It seems like this was two different stories that got spliced together. Almost like the Buffy part was added to the first part as an afterthought. It wasn't bad, but I thought it was a little bit disjointed.

    I like the vampire bits, and the sexy stuff was very good. It seemed to have a little something for everyone. I also like Zaria using social media to find willing victims, that seems like a plausible scenario. There are plenty of weirdos on the internet. :rolleyes:

    This was good even though I don't really get all the references. :D
     
  10. ejls

    ejls Moderator Staff Member

    I'm another who didn't follow Buffy and have no clue who Zaria is. That said, it was a very nice story. My feeling on fiction is that the writer is God. If he wants his vampires eating garlic pizza without dying, then we are to follow along. That removes any preconceived notion as to how things "should be". For me, the story didn't always flow, but it was nicely done with the twist at the end.
     
  11. bistander

    bistander Well-Known Member

    Well written and enjoyable. I wasn't scared, but it was about a horny vampire, so maybe I should have been.

    Thank you for entering. Great job.
     
  12. ahorsewithnoname

    ahorsewithnoname Author & Admin. Live. Love. Write! Win a Pulitzer! Staff Member

    Okay, first story on the list, so first story that I've read. If the rest of them are this good, hot damn, I'm in for some great reading!

    I really liked this story. Loved the whole vampire stuff, and yet, I've never seen Buffy either. What's funny is that I'm a vampire fan, having watched True Blood (and read the books), the Vampire Diaries, the spin-off, the Twilight movies (and the books), the House of Night series, the Night World series, and so on. As Miss K, it's on my list to get to sometime. Anyway, I liked the story because it felt right. The vampire seemed real to me, even if I don't know the back story of Zaria. I didn't need to because the story easily stood on its own. Even without watching Buffy, I got the idea.

    Y'all know me...I can't resist looking for little things to point out, technically, to help folks with their future writing. So here goes...and this includes some praise too!

    more meta-physical dimensions, with axes for pure vs corrupt,
    axes <-- plural for axis, excellent usage!

    Taking her favorite position on the sofa, she picked up her laptop to read her messages.
    (use of her three times in the same sentence)

    So she circled the house to check on the blackout blinds on all the windows, before she retired to her room.
    Comma usage - when you read a story aloud, if you feel the need to pause, that's where a comma goes. If there's no natural pause needed, there's no need for a comma either.

    Though personally, I'm amoral, I have no use for your concepts of good and evil.
    amoral <--- good word usage, I was thinking immoral, and then the conjoin issue

    What do I mean about the conjoin issue? Throughout the story, there are instances where a word or two is missing which made the story slightly stilted. If "and so" is added to the above right before the "I have", it flows more smoothly. There were at least a dozen instances of this above. It is, perhaps, beyond picky. Perhaps it is simply a writer's style, but, we are here to give our honest opinions. This story was, for the most part, very technically proficient. It was also a fun read, not too long and not too short.

    As I first stated, if this is an indication of the reads to come, I'm going to be tickled pink! Great job, honestly!
     
  13. Uncle B

    Uncle B Well-Known Member

    This is something that I run afoul of constantly. In theory this is a good idea, in actuality it can steer you wrong.

    Regional dialect , and natural rhythm varies throughout the English speaking world, as well as from person to person. I write in my head exactly the same way as if I was speaking to someone.

    This leads me to throw commas around like they are on sale at the local Wal-Mart. I often pause for dramatic effect, or comedic timing in real conversations. I'm not saying that it works, but that's the way I talk. In writing, I hear the words, and often try unsuccessfully to turn that into proper grammar.

    I'm afraid that this is something that I will never get completely right, and I am ok with it. This is why so many people are employed as professional editors, and why people like me are only in this for the fun.

    Still like this story, and didn't mean to derail the comments, but a story that generates conversations is a good one in my opinion.

    Oh yeah, I'm kind of drunk.
     
  14. ahorsewithnoname

    ahorsewithnoname Author & Admin. Live. Love. Write! Win a Pulitzer! Staff Member



    That's fine, but that doesn't mean that it's correct English. If you are writing from a cockney English style, sure, you can be more creative. Or if you can find a way to indicate aberrations from standard English, perhaps through the use of quote marks or something, that's fine too.

    This leads me to throw commas around like they are on sale at the local Wal-Mart.

    THAT is a great line!

    I often pause for dramatic effect, or comedic timing in real conversations. I'm not saying that it works, but that's the way I talk. In writing, I hear the words, and often try unsuccessfully to turn that into proper grammar. I'm afraid that this is something that I will never get completely right, and I am ok with it. This is why so many people are employed as professional editors, and why people like me are only in this for the fun.

    And that's fair. But there are others who, aside from having fun, do want to improve their writing skills so that someday, perhaps, they can be professionally published. I'm hoping that this site helps them in that quest. Hopefully they have fun too! :)
     
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  15. TonyBS

    TonyBS Troublemaker

    I've already laid claim to this one, well, me and @Luvsalik again. I'm not expecting that to be a surprise to anyone, the story uses a lot of themes I've used before, not least the blending of magic and technology.

    Scary isn't my thing, so I never set out to try to be scary, I just took the picture and made a story around it. The biggest issue with the picture is what sort of idiot dresses a vampire with a cross. Hence some of the weirder metaphysics in the story. It also prompted the idea of her not being evil.

    A couple of comments mentioned how the story could have stopped half way through, or seemed like two stories tacked together. I see what the comments are getting at, but that's purely an accident. It's not an afterthought, from the very first outline I wrote (the day after the competition was posted), the story was this way, with the Buffy scene. That's there just to ram home that she isn't evil.

    But once it's been pointed out, I'm wondering if I could fix it, and I'm not sure if I could. I did have the idea of maybe having another scene in the middle, which might have made the transition less stark. But in the end, I decided not to and went with the story as is, which I like. It's a whole story in itself.

    There were comments about not knowing Buffy, I was trying to make a knowledge of Buffy not necessary, any reference explained to some extent.

    There were also comments about Zaria's back story. She doesn't have one, this is Zaria's story, she's not a character borrowed from someone else's canon.

    As for @ahorsewithnoname 's technical comments, I'll put most of that down to a difference of style. I'm happy with the way the story is in most cases. However:

    I could point out that it's employing the rhetorical device of conduplicatio, and/or it's emphasizing this is her domain and she's comfortable there. But I'll go with, damn, we both wish we'd noticed that one. I'd probably have gone with "... to read the waiting messages."
     
  16. Uncle B

    Uncle B Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to let you know that this became a topic of conversation with family recently. Well, maybe not the whole story, and definitely not that it was a sex story on an adult site, but it was brought up at the table during a family meal.

    The thought that vampires would no longer have to "hunt" in modern times, and that people would actually go to them knowing what they were getting into is perfect. It is so plausible in today's society.
     
    AnX... and bistander like this.